


Just For Tonight

by damhalfbloods



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depressing, Fluff, Friendship, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Romance if you squint, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, anti-romanticisation of suicide, no actual death, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-24
Updated: 2017-02-24
Packaged: 2018-09-26 13:42:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9900572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/damhalfbloods/pseuds/damhalfbloods
Summary: In which Kageyama keeps fighting. Just for tonight.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, so this is my first fic! It's more of a vent fic really, I needed to get some things out of my system. On good days, I have also been working on some lighter stuff, so expect to see that soon! Anyway, enjoy! 
> 
> Side note: please read the tags to avoid upset ❤️ Stay safe guys

"Every forty seconds someone in the world commits suicide. Every forty-one seconds, someone is left to make sense of it.”  
_____________________________________

It was a saying Kageyama had heard one of his junior high teachers mention before. They had been analysing some text as a class, quite a mature piece of text for their age group. At the time, he payed little attention to it. Truthfully, all that had really been on his mind was volleyball, what techniques he needed to improve on and when the next opportunity to play would arise.  
However, although the text had been long forgotten, the words his teacher spoke seemed to stick. They puzzled Kageyama. Surely the most important part of a suicide was the victim, the person who had chosen to end their life. Clearly they suffered the most, because they had lost their lives. The people they left behind could simply move on. It was easy.

But, as he lay eyes on Hinata's tear-stained face, twisted in agony as he heaved out mournful sobs - he finally understood what she had meant.  
In the dim, evening light that spilled through Kageyama's bedroom window, the older boy clutched a carefully crafted exit bag to his chest. His head bowed, his entire body shook with every hiccup that erupted from his mouth. It made the dark-haired boy's chest ache painfully, as if someone were twisting a butcher's knife into his body. Knowing that he was the cause of Hinata's grief made it sting just that little bit more.  
Hesitantly, he made a slow step in the ginger's direction - face decorated in shame.

“Hinata,” he called out meekly, willing his voice not to crack.  
“Hinata. Talk to me. Please”

Upon the deafening silence he was responded to with, Kageyama felt himself crumple. Perhaps he didn't even need to end it himself. Seeing his partner in such pain might very well kill him before had the chance.

He had been unstable for months. At first it was just a tug at the bottom of his stomach each morning, a little void of emptiness that seemed to hurt more than any sadness ever could. As the weeks passed, the void grew larger - swallowing up parts of Kageyama and deforming him beyond recognition. On the outside, he remained his usual, grouchy self. He still played to the best of his ability, winning matches and throwing affectionate insults at his partner. Nobody really noticed a change, and Kageyama was certain he'd managed to mask it. But clearly Hinata had seen through his facade. Sure, he put the effort into volleyball - but the spark wasn't there anymore. Maybe he teased the older boy, but he didn't get as much joy out of it as he used to.  
But it had never really gone further than a feeling of gloominess. Although constant, it wasn't difficult to adapt to. Only recently had things escalated to this extent. Only recently had Kageyama considered giving up. Only recently had Kageyama lost all sense of purpose. Hope.

As his thoughts faded out to blank, his attention was drawn back to the exit bag he had made the night before. His initial plan had been to use it tonight. It was a stupid plan, really, and he did a poor job of executing it. Instead of hiding it, he decided to leave it neatly on his bed for quick access once he made it home. He decided on this without even considering the fact that Hinata often barged into the house through Kageyama's window.  
It was only after agreeing to a half-hearted race home that he finally realised his mistake.

”Hinata, please.” He tried again.  
Silence. He sucked in a breath.  
“Shouyou.”

In an instant, Hinata's head snapped up to meet his partner's gaze. Something in the ginger's gaze softened as their eyes met, but it did little to dissipate the grief welling up in his expression.

“Why?”

The words were small, snivelling and meek. Kageyama felt his breath catch. His throat began to tighten, every breath becoming a battle. As he struggled to gasp in oxygen, he barely registered the soft steps in his direction. Until, suddenly, Hinata was there. Arms wrapped around his waist, head pressed into his back, shaking violently. He felt his body relax, and a cold sense of worry fill him up. Hinata was in pain. Hinata was in pain and Kageyama was just standing there.

Without a moment's hesitation, he turned in Hinata's embrace and pulled him into his chest, pressing his lips against his scalp. He wasn't quite sure if this was for his own benefit or Hinata's. It didn't really matter. Slowly, the pair calmed down, and sank to the floor without withdrawing from one another's arms for even a second.

After what seemed like hours of aching silence, the smaller boy pulled away. As his eyes met Kageyama's, he sucked in a breath and spoke.  
“Look,” he began, ignoring the salty tears peeking out from his waterline. “You don't have to explain yourself to me. Not yet. I get it. But just for tonight, let's pretend this didn't happen. Okay?”

Hinata reached a tentative hand up, resting his hand on the side of his partner's face. Kageyama leaned into the touch, his eyelashes fluttering shut.

“In the morning, we'll talk. Okay Tobio? Just promise me- promise me that you'll stay. Just for tonight. We'll take this one step at a time. So for tonight, you need to hold on.”

Kageyama felt a sigh of breath escape his lungs, and with it left some of the weight in his chest. It was barely noticeable, but he felt lighter. With another sigh, he whispered, “I promise.”

Although his eyes were not open, he could imagine the grin that Hinata would be wearing. Albeit a little tired, his face would be lit up. And that was enough to keep him there. Just for tonight.

Seemingly satisfied with his partner's answer, Hinata mumbled a quick "good" before pulling the younger boy's head into his lap. Soft fingers ran through dark, silky locks, until both boys were fast asleep. Their breaths evened out, mingling into one as a light sense of peace settled over the room, like low clouds in the morning. Even as the sun slipped below the horizon, it remained as serene and unmoving as the surface of a lake.

Love alone would not save him. It's not that simple. Suicide isn't beautiful. It isn't a girl crying on her bed, waiting for some boy to fall in love with her and end all of her troubles. It isn't a boy, laying peacefully in a coffin. It's grief and suffering. It's the heartbroken families left behind, the distressing scenes they find, the holes left in people's lives.

But, Kageyama thinks to himself, as he drifts in and out of consciousness - maybe, just maybe, it isn't always the end. It doesn't have to be. So he stays, wrapped in the loving embrace of a boy. A boy who looks like the sun and lives with a warmth equal to just that. A boy who is desperate for him to keep fighting. A boy who will support him as he faces his demons. A boy will make him stay. Just for tonight.

 

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah! Let me know what you think. And if you think that I have romanticised suicide in any way, please let me know! I absolutely loathe the way suicide is portrayed as beautiful or attractive, as if it's something out of a romance novel. Because it's not. It's very real and it's very scary. So keep living for the good times guys, they're hard to find but they are there! And if things get too much, it's always okay to seek help. You shouldn't ever have to feel lost or alone. Stay safe ❤️


End file.
